Our individual psychology is based on the family unit into which we are born. If the purpose of the family is to grow and nurture the children, then the individual is raised to believe in their own reactions to deal with the world. There is no conflict between their own needs and the needs of their parents. The goal is to teach the child right from wrong and to trust the child's reactions to the world. I call this family system a People-Centered Family. In this type of family, everybody matters, and each reaction, regardless of whether it is a parent or a child, is treated with dignity and credibility. Right from wrong is understood as a dynamic concept involving the parents and the child, rather than the imposition of arbitrary rules from the parent. Parents teach as well as learn from children. Parents work together honestly to set reasonable boundaries that are agreed to by both parents. Personal freedom has high value, with individuality and talents nurtured to their fullest.
The People-Centered Family is the true American family. The idea that "all men are created equal" is fostered by respecting the opinions of all concerned. The potential harm from an abuse of power is minimized by the parents having respect for each other and making joint decisions. Just like the system of appeals to a higher court in American law, children are encouraged to check with their partner for a second opinion. It is not seen as an attempt to split the parents but is accepted as a means to honor the truth. Family members pursue their rights to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" with respect for the needs of all concerned.
One would hope that American family units would reflect the American core values of freedom and individuality to make the family system compatible with the national interests. Unfortunately, that consistency does not exist. The vast majority of American families are parent-centered. In this system, there is a hierarchy of power, where "honor your father and mother" and "children should be seen and not heard" are the basis for the family. The opinion of children is seen as "backtalk" and disrespect for elders. Encouraging the opinions of others, especially the children, is seen as promoting anarchy and irresponsibility, and contributing to raising selfish children with no respect for authority. Rules are cast in stone by the parents with no room provided for unreasonable rules. It is a system where "do as I say" is law and the reason that the child misbehaves is irrelevant. There is no recognition of unreasonable rules or the misuse of power. Parents needs come first and foremost and the job of the children is to keep the parent's happy.
Each of these two different family systems promote a very different personal psychology. In a parent-centered family, the Family Self is very strong, driven by the requirement to please mom and dad. Rules of behavior come from the outside, and the mere threat of disapproval evokes great fear, shame and guilt. Roles are created for each child to prevent the exposure of marital conflicts that can threaten the marital bond. With the Natural Self suppressed, anxiety, guilt and shame internally dominate in people raised in this type of family. The Natural Self is suppressed with high anxiety generated by situations where the family truths could be exposed. Anger that promotes a challenge to the system is highly feared. People are raised to follow the rules and do as they are told.
In the People-Centered Family, there is congruence between the needs of parents and children. When conflicts arise, anger is prized as the recognition that something is wrong and that denial may be operating. The Natural Self is validated and becomes stronger with each conflict situation that is resolved in a reasonable manner. Because denial is present in all relationships, there is pressure to live a role that supports the Family Self. However, when the conflicts surface in the People-Centered Family, the conflicts are acknowledged and resolved to the benefit of all concerned. People raised in the People-Centered Family have high self-esteem, strengthened from the continuous validation of the right to dissent and react.
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