One mark of an emotionally healthy person is a belief and trust in the naturalness of their perceptions. When problems occur in relationships, there is a natural reaction in a person. I call this reaction, Natural Anger. It is your backbone and sense that something is wrong. You may be being mistreated, lack trust with the individual, or feel an imbalance in the give and take of a good relationship. Natural Anger is not loud or harsh. It is quietly strong. It is not grounded in assumptions, accusations or rage. It simply registers inside you that something is wrong.
Giving voice to that Natural Anger reflects your belief in yourself. If the other person denies the problem, blames you for the problem, or attacks you, they are attempting to silence your Natural Anger and replace it with fear, guilt or shame. If your Family Self is strong, you will listen to your doubts and go silent. If your Natural Self is strong, you will continue to give voice and not back down.
Conflicts within a family are the strongest test of one's belief in your Natural Self. Because you are confronting relationships that are highly significant, the emotions are the strongest that you will ever have to confront. If you can win the struggle to hold onto your Natural Self, and stare down the fears that provide fuel to the Family Self, you can learn to be an individual within your family. If you can conquer your fears in the family system, you can face them in any other relationship in your life whether it be your marriage, your children or your work.
What happens when you run into the the family denial over and over again? Is it healthy to continue to debate over and over, and when is it healthy to retreat? After some time of giving voice to your perceptions and beliefs and facing continuous discounting of your reactions, distance becomes the healthiest choice. Distance does not have to be permanent, but is necessary to avoid the continuous conflicts and harm that can occur from being treated like you do not matter. In order to manage the backlash of guilt that inevitably happens when you take the distance path, it is critical to announce the distance. Otherwise, the other family members will claim that you never gave them a chance or never explained yourself fully. To face the guilt of withdrawal, you need to act in a fair and reasonable way. Announcing your retreat satisfies the requirement to be fair.
Families evolve over time and rarely stay the same. New experiences of new life, adding new members or death become new opportunities to expose the truth and challenge the denial. Healing can occur and will be expressed with true sorrow for the harm done by the denial, and a commitment to challenge the denial in the future. If both contrition and reparation are made, the distance path can be abandoned, and the voice of your Natural Anger has a chance to be heard.
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