Most people generally believe that emotionally healthy people have strong self-esteem. What it is and how you strengthen it is poorly understood. Self-esteem is based on trust and belief in your emotions and perceptions. It is an inner sense that you are right in what you see, even in the face of differing opinions and reactions from others. It is formed by validation from significant others, especially parents that confirm the worth of their child's reactions. Continued validation from those you value as an adult increases the feeling of self-worth.
True self-esteem is not based on accomplishments or performance. Good grades, a raise or promotion, lots of adult toys, professional recognition and other forms of external praise are positive events, but do not form the basis for self-esteem. When they do, the self-esteem is transient and only as good as the last accomplishment. I call this "contingent self-esteem". It is contingent on continuing the pattern of success. There is no capacity to handle failure, or human weakness. It is brittle and needs to continuously be fed. When failure occurs, it breaks down completely with little capacity for recovery and rebound.
What is even more confusing about the "self" in self-esteem is that I believe that all people have two selves. Many people will say, "I have two sides to me and can't tell which one to believe". This phrase reflects the existence of the two selves, what I refer to as the Natural Self and the Family Self. Each self has an identity and a set of emotions that flow from that identity. The Natural Self is grounded in a belief in one's natural reactions associated with the primary emotions of joy, sadness, and natural anger. It is reinforced by parental validation of those perceptions and reactions. A second self, the Family Self, is formed in response to denial of parental emotions. When the parent's response is different from the child, the child is forced to abandon the belief in their own reaction and buy the explanation given by mom or dad. Their own reactions become fused with fear and reinforced with guilt and shame when the parent withdraws if the child protests. In sum, The Family Self is based on an identity grounded in acceptance by others and a denial of oneself. It is formed to please parents and stay connected to the family.
We all have those two selves within us because we all come from imperfect people who deny their imperfections to varying degrees. We all have the two competing reactions within us, the reactions from the Natural Self and the Family Self. The healthier the parents, the greater will be the validation given to the Natural Self. In very unhealthy parents who raise children in a family with a high level of denial, the Family Self will predominate and the Natural Self will be weak.
The Family Self is the source of anxiety, doubt and fear. People with high identity with this self have actually abandoned their Natural Self and fused it with their Family Self. They have literally thrown themselves away to stay connected to the family and win their parent's approval. They have low self-esteem as the fear of being abandoned and going it alone make them do what others want to survive.
Fortunately, you can't eliminate the Natural Self. It is based on the truth within, and the truth can' t be hidden. While the natural reactions can be easily ignored and overrun by the reactions from the more powerful Family Self, they will always flash before they are hidden.By looking for the flash, and learning to honor those reactions, everyone has the ability to strengthen their Natural Self and improve their self-esteem. Facing the fears of the Family Self is difficult, but each episode where you hold onto your inner beliefs in the face of others reactions enables you to validate yourself and enhance your self-esteem.
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