WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO

Emotionally healthy people know that they often don't know why they do what they do. They accept that being a human being is very confusing and bewildering. They know, for example, that they can act differently when they are in love than they do with a friend. An adult knows that they can return to being a child whenever they visit their family. Emotionally healthy adults know that they hide their feelings in the moment, and only later are able to admit the truth about their emotional reactions. From the experiences that they can't explain, they accept that knowing oneself is a journey. Healthy people know that discovery of the emotions that drive our actions is a process that evolves over time and and revealed through experiences in many relationships.

In contrast, emotionally unhealthy people attempt to ignore or deny the emotions behind their actions. They are only aware of their thoughts, and use their thinking to explain why they do what they do. When they are confronted with the fact that their actions and words do not match, they become defensive. They discount what the other sees or feels, blames them, shames them, silences them or outright attacks them. They know that they are disturbed by the opinions or reactions of others, but make no effort to understand why they are disturbed. They run from the experience, using their heads to explain the disturbance. There is no integration or understanding of the differences in reactions, leaving the relationships to be superficial and distant. Learning and growing together, the mark of a deep relationship, is avoided. Parallel play together, the mark of superficial relationships, becomes the definition of the relationship.

Understanding this disturbance is critical to learning about our emotions and becoming emotionally healthier people. Differences in close relationships cause distress and discomfort. Spouses sometimes see their partners emotions more clearly. The partner is disturbed by the perception. You can try to discount your spouse, but it will hurt the relationship and create resentments. Children too often see their parent's emotions before their parent can admit them to themselves. As a parent, you can be disturbed by this reaction and choose to hide behind the veil of "respect your parent". It is far easier to focus on the child's bad style of delivery than the truth in what they are saying.

In sum, disturbances are necessary to learn about yourself. While they are difficult to tolerate, they are necessary to understand to build close relationships. Of course, you can always take the path of defensiveness and denial, even if you can convince yourself of the reasonableness of your reaction. Just don't be surprised when your relationships fall apart.