One of the hallmarks of an emotionally healthy person is the ability to experience multiple emotions at the same time. For example, when a person experiences some loss, the natural reaction is a mixture of mad and sad, a mix of emotions that I refer to as the Twin Sisters. These two emotions, when bound together, enable the person to honor both the good and bad in every person and circumstance. Sad prevents the mad from turning into rage where you don't care what the other person thinks or feels. When you hit rage, you only want to hurt the other person. In the same way, mad helps the sad avoid turning into a depression. They each help to moderate the other. They are Twin Sisters that help each other to maintain the connection in times of threat.
Hurt is the experience described by my patients when the Twin Sisters split and hide mad behind sad. When I ask my patients how they feel when somebody has treated them badly, they will often say, "I feel hurt". When I push and ask them if they feel mad, they say "no" and repeat again that they feel "hurt". They want to crawl into a cave and lick their wounds. In that instance, I will tell them that hurt is mad hiding behind sad and ask them to look for the mad. When I give them permission, they will often quickly tell me what they are mad about, and how they have been mistreated. I work with them to try to integrate the mad and sad so one doesn't have to hide behind the other.
Rage is the opposite end of the spectrum. When the Twin Sisters split and sad hides behind mad, the person says and does things to hurt the other person. This form of split typically occurs when the person has a background of significant emotional, physical or sexual abuse in their family history. The rage is typically followed some time later by extreme remorse when the sad reappears, and the mad becomes buried. This form of splitting is more harmful to the person and their relationships. The person is harmed by increased fear of their own anger. The relationship suffers because trust between the two people is damaged and replaced by fear of not knowing what will come next.
Bottom line, splitting is never good and we need to work to keep the Twin Sisters locked together in all our reactions.
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