Many of my patients will use the phrase, "I need to find myself" as an explanation for the problem that brings them to my office. They will also refer to their confusion about their behavior, saying "It feels like I have two sides to me". When I ask them when they first realized that they have two sides, I get different responses. Some say that they have felt an internal conflict for as long as they can remember. Others will say that they didn't realize it until they got married and had to explain their actions to their partner. Some will refer to adolescence when they had to make choices to do what they parents said or not. Still others will refer to internal conflicts to deal with sexual feelings or strong angry feelings. They will sometimes refer to it as the "angel and devil on my shoulder".
For most of our waking moments, we do not feel split in two. We think, feel, and act in ways that make sense to us. Sometimes we think about what we do. Other times we just react and move on. We typically feel fine on our own unless we are in a conflict with someone. Our problems show up when we have to deal with other people. Our two sides, our internal conflicts, emerge when we are faced with reactions from others that disturb us or expose our emotions to ourselves. Differences of opinions with others, especially close family members, result in emotional reactions that are very strong and distressing. Differences threaten the connection. Resolving the differences can strengthen or weaken the bond. I would also argue that when people do not feel fine when they are alone, they are dealing with reactions that are the residual of the disturbance created by significant others.
The "two sides of you" show up when conflicts erupt. The choices to accept or challenge the difference evoke fear about hurting others or the bond between you. This fear or anxiety is the signal that a threatening reaction is present. It is frightening because it is a reaction that has caused loss of connection in your past, learned from the reactions of your parents to your behavior. If the natural anger in the child in response to some problem is discounted, denied or punished by withdrawal or silence by the parent, the anger will be hidden to maintain the connection to the parent at all costs. The real cost in this case is the need to hide one's natural emotional reactions, a loss of connection to the real self expressed in those reactions. When a problem emerges, this natural reaction occurs, followed by anxiety and a defensive reaction to hide the anger to reduce the anxiety. Examples of defensive reactions include denial ("I didn't do that"), rationalization ("I did it because...."), avoidance ("Let's not talk about that right now"), shaming ("I can't believe you said that to me"), or rage ("Shut up, you *%#^). In each case, the person is driven to avoid owning a reaction that evokes fear, guilt, or shame. Their behavior enables them to avoid feeling the shame or guilt. The need to reduce the anxiety drives them to act to keep them comfortable.
These defensive reactions form the self that is based on the requirement to obey mom and dad's rules even if the rules are wrong. I call this set of reactions, the Family Self because they exist to keep you attached to your family. This set of reactions competes internally with the initial natural reactions to drive your behavior. This set of reactions I call the Natural Self, because they are unfiltered by the need to maintain attachment and exist to represent the person's perceptions and opinions. Because no parent is a perfect parent, every person universally will be exposed to some degree of parental denial and be required to hide their natural reactions as a child. As an adult, they will have exchanges with others that expose the hidden emotion, anxiety and opposing defensive response, creating the experience of having two sides.
Welcome to the human experience of the conflict between the Natural Self and Family Self, the "angel and devil" within us. To add to the confusion, we have traditionally thought of the devil as the bad influence, the one that causes the anxiety. In fact, the devil is often the good guy who is trying to get you to honor yourself, while the angel is trying to silence you. No wonder it is so confusing to be a human being!
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