I have many patients who have recognized that they act very differently with the people that they love. They are confused by the fact that they can be very assertive and comfortable with strangers or friends, yet can act passively with their partners. A strong independent female corporate executive goes silent at home while she raises the children and cares for the house while her husband sits on the couch and doesn't lift a finger. She doesn't tolerate her employees not doing their jobs. Why would she tolerate a similar action from her partner at home? A policeman who has no problem telling others to follow the rules barely talks to his wife at home. Why does he act one way at work and another way at home?
The answer to both these problems has to do with the effects of love on our emotions.
When we play a role at work, we act consistent with the requirements of the job. We have an excuse to do what the job requires. It is not our fault. We have an excuse. We act because we want to keep our jobs. There is no irrational fears about being rejected. If we do our job, we keep our job. There is less personal responsibility and accountability. In sum, our jobs make us do it.
That is not the case in personal relationships, especially where love is involved. The more we love someone, the crazier we can get. That happens because a love relationship evokes the requirements to act that we learned from the first people we loved, our parents. We learned the rules of love from them. The more we love, the more we are required to treat our partner like our parents. Since all parents are just some good and some bad, they teach us some good rules and some bad rules. When we love, we follow those rules both good and bad, without realizing it. We go on auto-pilot and act like we learned to do in our first relationship. We follow the patterns that we were taught.
We can see these patterns emerge in a variety of ways. One is the assumptions that we make. Assumptions are based on fear. We don't like the way we are treated and we emotionally register that something is wrong. However, when we start to interpret why the other person did what they did, we start to jump to conclusions that may not be reasonable or fair. We believe them before the other person gets to explain themselves.Since we don't yet know the reasons for our partner's actions, and have already acted on our fears, our reactions can only be based on what we have learned in our families. We fear that we are being treated the way we have always been treated and believe it before we even check it out. We fear that the old family pattern is repeating. Love brings that fear to a fever pitch because we care the most about the people we love and want to maintain the connection. We fear losing them, yet react in a way that ensures that they will want to get away from us. We don't mean to, but through fear and assumptions, we push away the very people that we want to be close to.
A second indicator that bad love rules may be operating is when we are unable to listen.Bad rules are based on fear of rejection. Fear is being exposed whenever our voices get raised or when we cut off our spouses before they finish what they are saying. Those actions expose the fear that we will not be listened to or taken seriously. We fear feeling that we don't matter or what we have to say is unimportant. Notice again that we act on that fear by not listening before the other person even has the chance to explain themselves.
A third sign of fear is the triggering of our defenses. Fear calls up our defenses to protect us from the possible exposure to guilt and shame. We deny what we do, minimize it or excuse it away, blame the other person or somebody else or silence the other person through shame or physical threat. Defensive exchanges raise the temperature of the exchange and the potential for damage to the relationship. I am not talking about the act of raising our voices because we are being ignored. I am talking about a level of defensiveness that causes people to act in mean or hurtful ways that damage trust and love. Defenses can only be reduced by addressing the fears upon which they are based. Reassurance that the old assumptions aren't operating help to reduce the irrational emotion and promote a more loving exchange.
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