THE FEAR OF FEELING: Part 2

Emotions are contagious. We feel what others feel because their feelings generate similar feelings within us. Think of how we feel when we are in the presence of an anxious person. We start to feel anxious ourselves. That same thing can happen when somebody gets angry with us. We start to feel afraid. That can happen even if the anger is not directed at us and is directed at somebody else or even a situation. Most of us feel anxious in the presence of anger no matter who or what has created the reaction.

This internal reaction creates a problem in our relationships. When others cause our own reactions to stir, we too often feel disturbed and uncomfortable, low level signs of an internal conflict within us about the right to be angry. If we do not embrace the anger within our own Natural Self, we will try to shut down the anger expressed by another. We will not identify with it and help the person to direct it to its proper source. We will try to shut down the reaction from the other person to stay comfortable within ourselves. In short, we don't like to feel because it makes us uncomfortable.

There are numerous ways that people distance themselves from the other person's reactions. The first and most obvious is that we don't listen on an emotional level. We change the subject, tell a story about ourselves to distract, or don't respond at all. Alternatively, we may discount what the other person says ("That's not true...You're wrong"), shame the other person into silence ("How could you think that way..."), deny any wrongdoing ("I wouldn't do that"), preach at them ("You shouldn't feel that way"), or scare them into silence by flying into a rage.

Notice that each of these defensive reactions is an attempt to prevent us from feeling our own emotions. On the surface, it looks like the other person is being silenced. On a deeper level, we are silencing our own reactions. The fact that we can't listen is evidence of the presence of our own fear. This fear gets in the way of feeling close to others. Closeness is promoted through empathy and validation. We exchange reactions with others because we are confused. We can't tell if our reactions make sense, if we are over-reacting or under-reacting, or if we even have the right to react.We turn to others to reduce the doubt.

When we are healthy, we want to listen. When we aren't afraid of ourselves, we can empathize and connect to what the other person is experiencing.We can validate what we see as truth in their reaction, and help them to reduce their own internal confusion about their own reaction. We can feel connected.