GOING HOME AGAIN: The Marriage

Most of us have had the experience of watching our spouses lose themselves when challenged by their family.We witness how behavior from one's parent is tolerated when the same behavior from anyone else would be met with anger and demands.
It's like we become children when we go home again.

This transformation occurs because of the irrational nature of the bond between parent and child. The power of the parent is grounded in the dependency of the child. The child is a blank slate who looks to the parent as an idol that protects them from harm and teaches them about life. At an early age, the parent is a god who can do no wrong. The child follows the master, the imprint is created and is held in place by strong emotion. This is the basis for the Family Self.

As discussed in an earlier blog, the Natural Self is born out of the experiences of the individual rather than the parents. If the parent says something is right, and the person does not feel it is right, the emotional conflict pits the emotions of the Natural Self (joy, sadness, anger) against the emotions of the Family Self (fear, shame, guilt). The person must choose which path to follow, which set of emotions is the true expression of themselves. This choice is made even more confusing when all the emotions are experienced internally as belonging to the person and not seen as a reflection of the parental imprint. Separating those emotions to make different choices is the emotional work of the individual to believe in oneself.

Managing these competing reactions is extremely difficult in the face of family pressures. Due to the power of the bond, every interaction as an adult or child with one's family is significant. Each interaction serves to validate either the Family Self or the Natural Self. There is no such thing as a neutral reaction to the family. EVERY SINGLE CONTACT WITH ONE'S FAMILY MAKES US WEAKER OR STRONGER. Our spouses provide testimony to that power whether we see it or not. As a patient recently said to me, "I can't believe that my husband who runs a large corporation is so afraid of disappointing his mother, and he justifies it over and over again".

Helping your spouse to grow their Natural Self and believe in the significance of what they see or feel is vital to the health of a marriage. It is the basis for learning and growth of each partner. Supporting the Natural Self and helping to disable the Family Self promotes the well-being of each spouse. Of course, this process requires that both partners invest the time and energy to understand the difference between the two sets of reactions. In many cases, this awareness is limited and the two sets of reactions are fused together. For example, a person may feel guilty and believe that they have done something wrong because they feel guilty. They actually may have done nothing wrong other than to violate one of the rules that governed the family system. They can't tell the difference between feeling an emotion and believing what we feel. Processing life experiences together helps to illuminate the patterns and increase awareness of the differences between those reactions. This work of defining the two selves and the emotions that are attached is the most important task to maintain the emotional health of a marriage.