Tuesday, March 1, 2011

CHANGING

Change is a confusing topic. On the one hand, people will say that you should not try to change others but accept them as they are. On the other hand, you hear people refer to "the work" of marriage and the need to learn and grow together. The answer is to focus on yourself and to get distance from unhealthy people who promote denial. One issue is clear. You are responsible for your own change process. For example, if you don't like the way you are treated by family or friends, you need to tell them for several reasons. The first and best reason to speak up is to represent yourself. It is not to change the other person. Some change will occur if you speak your mind. First you are changing because you are choosing to have a voice rather than suffer in silence. Secondly,the relationship will change in one of two ways. One, the person will listen to you and respect your need and the relationship will improve. Second, the person may ignore you and continue to treat you badly. In that case, you can shift from giving voice to getting distance in the relationship. You can spend less time with the person, limit your contact, or as a last resort, end the relationship completely. Either way, if you change, the relationship changes.

Staying with the topic of personal responsibility, I have had patients tell me, "What good is it if I have to ask for it?" They seem to be saying that the need to ask means that the other person has not been listening and not anticipating their needs. They feel that their partner should know already what they want or need. They react with surprise when I tell them that I think that is unhealthy for two reasons. For one, I explain that the assumption that their partner doesn't care is not reasonable and there are other explanations for their not knowing what is needed. They could forget, be distracted, confused or lost in their own emotional distress. There has to be room for other's mistakes and weaknesses. The assumption that "they should know" makes no allowances for this humanity. The person must be a perfect person who correctly anticipates all needs at all times.

The second reason that this position is unhealthy is because the person has surrendered their personal power to ask and transferred the responsibility for their own well-being to the other. It is a powerless position where your ability to get what you need is based solely on the other person's ability to predict, rather than on your own responsibility to ask. Both the requirement of perfection and the loss of personal power are reasons to make sure that you always ask for what you want and not wait for others to figure it out.

There is one point to this phrase that does seem reasonable. If the person has to ask over and over again for the same thing, then there is a problem with nurturing in the relationship. One person is truly getting ignored and this is as unhealthy as not speaking up when you have needs. If the pattern exists, there is an answer to the question, "What good is it if I have to ask for it?" The answer is to challenge the relationship and be prepared to end it if the pattern continues. If you can't fix the problem, you can at least stop the damage.

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