THE TRUTH WITHIN: THE SELF

The idea that the truth lies within each individual is a powerful concept. It means that each individual contains an element of the truth that makes them unique and important. It also demands that each and every person be given a voice and be heard for the whole truth to be understood. Each person contributes a piece and the whole truth cannot be trusted until it can contain the ideas of each and every person involved.

This idea forms the basis for the Real Self, a healthy marriage and a healthy family. I will address the impact of the" truth within" on the self in this section, and discuss the significance for a healthy marriage and family in subsequent articles. As a small child, the self is formed around pleasing the parents. Parents are the source of comfort, safety, and education. This training is imprinted in our emotional responses. Fear, guilt and shame register when we break the rules upon which we were raised. Because we are all raised by imperfect people with imperfect relationships, we are raised with imperfect rules, with truths that are not true. This is the basis for the Family Self. These imperfections register in the child and are challenged by the sense of internal truth in the child, the basic feeling of good or bad. This truth forms the basis for the Real Self. When the way we are treated feels bad, it is bad, even if another, including our parents, tells us different. We know that from the truth within us. This truth is protected by our natural primary emotions. Natural anger and sadness registers the clash between our internal truth and the way we are being raised. It tells us that a threat exists to hide the truth.

When we are faced with a situation or event, we react with our thoughts and feelings. Most of the time, there is no conflict between the information sent by the Real Self and the Natural Self. We feel our primary emotions of joy, sadness and anger and we think about an event a certain way that reflects these feelings. Our feelings trigger our thoughts and color our perceptions. When there is a clash between what we naturally want to do and what we have been taught to do, anxiety is triggered. The emotions that reflect the Real Self's truth and the emotions from the Family Self that reflect the world according to mom and dad compete to determine what we will do. In a nutshell, the battle reduces to a conflict between anger/sadness against guilt/shame. Anger becomes our protection and guilt/shame become the "enemy within".

There are two issues that interfere with our insight into our deeper emotions. For one, we are typically unaware of our deeper emotions and focus on our thoughts. We think about events and relationships, and talk to ourselves all day long but rarely have insight into the emotions that drive the thoughts. Secondly, we become confused about the origins of our emotions because they all exist within in and are incorrectly believed to reflect us. Without training, we fail to label those reactions that reflect the imprint of our family upbringing. We don't even begin the search because we automatically believe what we feel to be true and aren't used to discerning our emotions and identifying the source to decide the truth.