THE TRUTH WITHIN: THE MARRIAGE

I discussed the idea of the "truth within" as a core concept in understanding human behavior. The basic idea bears repeating before we talk about the application of the idea to a healthy marriage:

"The idea that the truth lies within each individual is a powerful concept. It means that each individual contains an element of the truth that makes them unique and important. It also demands that each and every person be given a voice and be heard for the whole truth to be understood. Each person contributes a piece and the whole truth cannot be trusted until it can contain the ideas of each and every person involved."

Healthy relationships, marriage and friendship alike, are based on trust. Trust is established by treating the other person with respect, honoring the need for emotional honesty, and validating their worth by valuing their opinion and perceptions. Another way to say this is that you honor the truth within that person, including when differences of perception or opinion arise. Differences are resolved by a mutual search for the truth, with the recognition that both parties position reflect a part of the truth. The integration of the competing ideas through negotiation and compromise mutually validate each person, and enhance the trust between them.

The opposite is also true. Relationships are damaged through discounting the other person's position. The phrase, "That is your perception" is one such form of discounting. While on the surface it seems to recognize the individual's position, on a deeper level it acts to discount the truth in that perception. There is no further discussion to find the why or the what of the position that would truly reflect the desire to understand. The comment ends the discussion. Beginning a response with the word "No...." or worse, "Your wrong..." is another example of discounting. No or wrong implies no value to their opinion nor any interest in understanding how they arrived at that opinion or perception. There is only room for one opinion, rather than making room for both opinions.

In a healthy marriage, there is mutual validation occurring on a daily basis. Each partner helps the other to find the Real Self and separate from the Family Self. They dialogue openly about their own emotional reactions, and the confusion that is created within. They point out their partner's reactions and ask for an explanation. They see what their spouse cannot see. They validate the right to be angry and give permission to feelings that can be suppressed due to fear. They help the other to sort through the reactions to find which one represents their Real Self.

When discussing marriage, the issue always arises about the fear of losing oneself in the marriage. Men often use the term "whipped" to imply that the man's fear of his wife's anger makes him surrender his wants and needs to her desires. In a healthy marriage, nobody surrenders. Your spouse helps you to honor your Real Self and not get lost in the fears, guilt and shame of the Family Self. Rather than lose yourself, you help to find and preserve your Real Self. Your partner becomes your closest confidant and supporter, your best friend.The Real Self is preserved rather than lost.