Wednesday, February 16, 2011

GOING HOME AGAIN: The Self

There is a popular position in the general public that one sign of emotional maturity is taking responsibility for your behavior. The corollary to this position is to stop blaming your parents or the way you were raised for your problems. In fact, people who adhere to this belief wrongly blame therapists for promoting this position, and may even believe that psychotherapy promotes irresponsibility and denial of accountability.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Psychology theory is grounded in the idea that the relationship to one's parents form the blueprint for all relationships. That fact does not shift responsibility for behavior. It merely acknowledges the incredible power a parent has over a child, the strength of the imprint of the parent that continues throughout the life of the adult. We are not talking about traumatic events here, but the continued pressure to maintain a connection to one's family that is vital to life. This pressure exists not only on the child but is reinforced lifelong by the demands made on the adult child by the entire family throughout the duration of the adult's life.

As I have discussed in prior blogs, the source of anxiety for the adult is the emergence of the conflict between the Natural Self and the Family Self. When what we want to do conflicts with the way we were raised, anxiety is triggered followed by a wave of guilt/shame to get the person back in line with the way they were taught. Because we were all raised by imperfect parents, some of the rules that are imprinted within us are not rules of reason. They are rules designed to prevent the emergence of truths that may threaten to disrupt the marital bond. The rules are not rules of reason, and the guilt that supports them is not reasonable and irrational. The emotions that are triggered can be strong and overpowering. Breaking free of them is hard, but is essential to give voice to the Natural Self and the demand for truth and emotional honesty. The stronger the voice of the Natural Self, the stronger will be the person's self-esteem.

We all struggle as adults to give voice to this Natural Self. We all especially struggle in the face of the pressures that can be generated by parents and siblings alike. The conflict is created by the truth that the Natural Self realizes and the demands from the Family Self to make excuses or justify parental weaknesses to keep peace in the family. The family generates the greatest pressure on an individual because of the irrational strength of the parent-child bond. It is the greatest test for the person's belief in themselves. Pass this test and we can take on any relationship problem that we will ever face. Fail this test, and we doom ourselves to believe in our guilt and shame, deny our true selves, and live a life of high anxiety.









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