THE PAST IS ALWAYS PRESENT

One of the popular misconceptions about emotional health is that a person needs to get over their past in order to be healthy in the present. The past to which they refer is the impact of their parents, the way that they were raised. Healthy people are thought to be people that have moved beyond their history to deal with the present in a reasonable way. Unhealthy people are thought to be stuck in the past, over-reacting with extreme sensitivity to issues that are not as important as they feel.

My 27 years of experience as a practicing psychologist has led me to believe that the past is always present and can invade every reaction that we have with other people. This position is consistent with psychodynamic theorists who have written extensively about this phenomena. The parental relationship creates the blueprint for many of our emotional reactions to events. The past is present everytime we jump to a conclusion before we check out what the other person meant. These jumps reflect assumptions that say more about our relationship to our parents than they say about the person in front of us. We go on "auto-pilot" and believe our reactions because the auto-pilot settings are programmed through out interactions with our parents at an impressionable age. Our emotions are stored in our memories and dumped into the present anytime a present circumstance reminds us of a past circumstance. In that sense, we are influenced by our past and cursed by it at the same time. We need history to prevent making the same mistakes, but are cursed by the strength of the emotions that come from history. It is not easy to be a human being.

I believe that emotionally healthy people recognize that the past is always present and look to separate the present from the past. This process requires us to process our emotions before we act on them. The key to being healthy is to start with the idea that our internal reactions are always dual. It is rare that there is a simple single reaction. There are almost always competing internal reactions. The problem is that each of the reactions are not equal in intensity and internal volume. Our guilt and shame can often overpower our right to be angry. We can often hide our mad behind our sad and call it "hurt". Our fears confuse us and make the process of separating our emotions nearly impossible.

This duality of emotion is our salvation and the key to being a healthy human being. By learning that the truth often lies in our anger and not in our guilt and shame, we learn to harness our anger and use it to solve a problem. We become stronger internally, learn to stand up for what we believe in and represent ourselves fully and completely. Healthy people know this is not an easy task, take on the responsibility and work to manage their emotions. Most importantly, healthy people understand that the past is a present trap into which they will fall if they are not eternally vigilant.

MODELS OF MARRIAGE: Acceptance vs Intimacy

One of the most significant elements to a successful marriage is the level of intimacy that each partner wants to experience. Level of intimacy can be defined as the degree of emotional exchanges that occur on a daily basis between the partners, what one of my patient's called "emotional intercourse". Differences in this need can interfere with the level of satisfaction and ultimately lead to the end of the marriage.

In a low level of intimacy, differences in perceptions or level of emotional reactions to people or events threaten the bond. Each partner treats the other with the same distance as a roommate. Each "do their own thing", ask few questions, and can even be on a "need to know basis". There is extreme sensitivity to criticism and a demand to "accept me how I am." Differences are rarely discussed and there is little room to learn and grow together as a couple. Survival together is the goal without much "rocking the boat" that would threaten the relationship and expose hidden anxieties and insecurities.

In a high level of intimacy, differences are embraced as points of learning. Each partner starts with the idea that each person is some good and some bad. The bad is based on anxiety and is learned by the experience in the family of origin. Each partner helps the other to identify these fears when they arise and provides reassurances to challenge these fears. If necessary, each person challenges the denial of the fears and puts pressure on the partner to be different than where they came from. While there is a recognition that the person's emotional reactions will always be there as an "auto-pilot" response, there is mutual recognition that there are irrational fears at the heart of the defensive reactions. While they cannot change how they were raised and the initial emotional reactions to events, each can manage differently what they do with those reactions. In sum, each partner helps the other to prevent history from repeating.

Essential to the high intimacy marriage is the mutual commitment to learn more about each others emotions and reactions. Each person must be individually dedicated to personal growth and learning, especially from their partner. They both commit to the idea that "two heads are better than one". In order to learn, there must be a recognition of some personal weaknesses in order to accept the truth in the opinions of a partner This is especially true if they conflict with one's own view of one's behavior. Each strive to be less defensive with each other, as defensiveness is mutually viewed as evidence of irrational fears learned in the family of origin. Learning is lifelong, with each partner helping the other" to be the best that they can be". In the high intimacy marriage, each partner views the other as essential to this learning, a need that breeds a feeling of being each others best friend.

THE TRUTH WITHIN: THE FAMILY

This article continues the discussion of the "truth within" concept as it relates to the family. Listed below is the definition of the idea:
"The idea that the truth lies within each individual is a powerful concept. It means that each individual contains an element of the truth that makes them unique and important. It also demands that each and every person be given a voice and be heard for the whole truth to be understood. Each person contributes a piece and the whole truth cannot be trusted until it can contain the ideas of each and every person involved."

If we apply this concept to the family, it means that there is some truth in the reactions of all family members. This is true from the smallest child to the eldest member, true for a teenager as well as a parent, true for a grandparent as well as an aunt or uncle. The truth is not the sole possession of the parents, but is trusted to the relationships among all the family members. The mutual search for the truth does not mean that the parent abandon their responsibilities to set rules and boundaries for the children and do whatever the child wants. It means that there is an honest process between the parents to do what is reasonable, and to include the child's opinion in determining their final decision. All family members are equal in value but not equal in obligation or role. However, the process of arriving at a decision, if it honors the truth concept, is carried out in way that enables each person to be heard, and their opinion addressed. It is not dismissed as meaningless because it comes "out of the mouth of babes." Decisions are not made hastily or arbitrarily. They are made between the parents after discussion with the children to get their input. Dialogue is encouraged and the value of opinions and perceptions is validated.

This concept is radically different from the traditional view of the proper role of the child within the family. Obedience rather than truth is given the highest value in the traditional family. Children are considered good if they " do as they are told." Encouraging children to voice their opinion is seen as breeding anarchy and no respect for authority. Getting the opinion of a child is viewed as confusing the child and condoning breaking the rules. Good behavior is the goal regardless of why the child is being good.

If the family properly applies the truth concept, then the children raised in that environment will have less anxiety than children raised in a more traditional setting. Reasonable rules will prevail, with the weaknesses of each parent buffered by the input of all members. The reactions of the Natural Self will be consistent with the Family Self, reducing the anxiety that occurs as a result of the internal clash between the two systems.

THE TRUTH WITHIN: THE MARRIAGE

I discussed the idea of the "truth within" as a core concept in understanding human behavior. The basic idea bears repeating before we talk about the application of the idea to a healthy marriage:

"The idea that the truth lies within each individual is a powerful concept. It means that each individual contains an element of the truth that makes them unique and important. It also demands that each and every person be given a voice and be heard for the whole truth to be understood. Each person contributes a piece and the whole truth cannot be trusted until it can contain the ideas of each and every person involved."

Healthy relationships, marriage and friendship alike, are based on trust. Trust is established by treating the other person with respect, honoring the need for emotional honesty, and validating their worth by valuing their opinion and perceptions. Another way to say this is that you honor the truth within that person, including when differences of perception or opinion arise. Differences are resolved by a mutual search for the truth, with the recognition that both parties position reflect a part of the truth. The integration of the competing ideas through negotiation and compromise mutually validate each person, and enhance the trust between them.

The opposite is also true. Relationships are damaged through discounting the other person's position. The phrase, "That is your perception" is one such form of discounting. While on the surface it seems to recognize the individual's position, on a deeper level it acts to discount the truth in that perception. There is no further discussion to find the why or the what of the position that would truly reflect the desire to understand. The comment ends the discussion. Beginning a response with the word "No...." or worse, "Your wrong..." is another example of discounting. No or wrong implies no value to their opinion nor any interest in understanding how they arrived at that opinion or perception. There is only room for one opinion, rather than making room for both opinions.

In a healthy marriage, there is mutual validation occurring on a daily basis. Each partner helps the other to find the Real Self and separate from the Family Self. They dialogue openly about their own emotional reactions, and the confusion that is created within. They point out their partner's reactions and ask for an explanation. They see what their spouse cannot see. They validate the right to be angry and give permission to feelings that can be suppressed due to fear. They help the other to sort through the reactions to find which one represents their Real Self.

When discussing marriage, the issue always arises about the fear of losing oneself in the marriage. Men often use the term "whipped" to imply that the man's fear of his wife's anger makes him surrender his wants and needs to her desires. In a healthy marriage, nobody surrenders. Your spouse helps you to honor your Real Self and not get lost in the fears, guilt and shame of the Family Self. Rather than lose yourself, you help to find and preserve your Real Self. Your partner becomes your closest confidant and supporter, your best friend.The Real Self is preserved rather than lost.

THE TRUTH WITHIN: THE SELF

The idea that the truth lies within each individual is a powerful concept. It means that each individual contains an element of the truth that makes them unique and important. It also demands that each and every person be given a voice and be heard for the whole truth to be understood. Each person contributes a piece and the whole truth cannot be trusted until it can contain the ideas of each and every person involved.

This idea forms the basis for the Real Self, a healthy marriage and a healthy family. I will address the impact of the" truth within" on the self in this section, and discuss the significance for a healthy marriage and family in subsequent articles. As a small child, the self is formed around pleasing the parents. Parents are the source of comfort, safety, and education. This training is imprinted in our emotional responses. Fear, guilt and shame register when we break the rules upon which we were raised. Because we are all raised by imperfect people with imperfect relationships, we are raised with imperfect rules, with truths that are not true. This is the basis for the Family Self. These imperfections register in the child and are challenged by the sense of internal truth in the child, the basic feeling of good or bad. This truth forms the basis for the Real Self. When the way we are treated feels bad, it is bad, even if another, including our parents, tells us different. We know that from the truth within us. This truth is protected by our natural primary emotions. Natural anger and sadness registers the clash between our internal truth and the way we are being raised. It tells us that a threat exists to hide the truth.

When we are faced with a situation or event, we react with our thoughts and feelings. Most of the time, there is no conflict between the information sent by the Real Self and the Natural Self. We feel our primary emotions of joy, sadness and anger and we think about an event a certain way that reflects these feelings. Our feelings trigger our thoughts and color our perceptions. When there is a clash between what we naturally want to do and what we have been taught to do, anxiety is triggered. The emotions that reflect the Real Self's truth and the emotions from the Family Self that reflect the world according to mom and dad compete to determine what we will do. In a nutshell, the battle reduces to a conflict between anger/sadness against guilt/shame. Anger becomes our protection and guilt/shame become the "enemy within".

There are two issues that interfere with our insight into our deeper emotions. For one, we are typically unaware of our deeper emotions and focus on our thoughts. We think about events and relationships, and talk to ourselves all day long but rarely have insight into the emotions that drive the thoughts. Secondly, we become confused about the origins of our emotions because they all exist within in and are incorrectly believed to reflect us. Without training, we fail to label those reactions that reflect the imprint of our family upbringing. We don't even begin the search because we automatically believe what we feel to be true and aren't used to discerning our emotions and identifying the source to decide the truth.

CHANGING

Change is a confusing topic. On the one hand, people will say that you should not try to change others but accept them as they are. On the other hand, you hear people refer to "the work" of marriage and the need to learn and grow together. The answer is to focus on yourself and to get distance from unhealthy people who promote denial. One issue is clear. You are responsible for your own change process. For example, if you don't like the way you are treated by family or friends, you need to tell them for several reasons. The first and best reason to speak up is to represent yourself. It is not to change the other person. Some change will occur if you speak your mind. First you are changing because you are choosing to have a voice rather than suffer in silence. Secondly,the relationship will change in one of two ways. One, the person will listen to you and respect your need and the relationship will improve. Second, the person may ignore you and continue to treat you badly. In that case, you can shift from giving voice to getting distance in the relationship. You can spend less time with the person, limit your contact, or as a last resort, end the relationship completely. Either way, if you change, the relationship changes.

Staying with the topic of personal responsibility, I have had patients tell me, "What good is it if I have to ask for it?" They seem to be saying that the need to ask means that the other person has not been listening and not anticipating their needs. They feel that their partner should know already what they want or need. They react with surprise when I tell them that I think that is unhealthy for two reasons. For one, I explain that the assumption that their partner doesn't care is not reasonable and there are other explanations for their not knowing what is needed. They could forget, be distracted, confused or lost in their own emotional distress. There has to be room for other's mistakes and weaknesses. The assumption that "they should know" makes no allowances for this humanity. The person must be a perfect person who correctly anticipates all needs at all times.

The second reason that this position is unhealthy is because the person has surrendered their personal power to ask and transferred the responsibility for their own well-being to the other. It is a powerless position where your ability to get what you need is based solely on the other person's ability to predict, rather than on your own responsibility to ask. Both the requirement of perfection and the loss of personal power are reasons to make sure that you always ask for what you want and not wait for others to figure it out.

There is one point to this phrase that does seem reasonable. If the person has to ask over and over again for the same thing, then there is a problem with nurturing in the relationship. One person is truly getting ignored and this is as unhealthy as not speaking up when you have needs. If the pattern exists, there is an answer to the question, "What good is it if I have to ask for it?" The answer is to challenge the relationship and be prepared to end it if the pattern continues. If you can't fix the problem, you can at least stop the damage.

GOING HOME AGAIN: The Marriage

Most of us have had the experience of watching our spouses lose themselves when challenged by their family.We witness how behavior from one's parent is tolerated when the same behavior from anyone else would be met with anger and demands.
It's like we become children when we go home again.

This transformation occurs because of the irrational nature of the bond between parent and child. The power of the parent is grounded in the dependency of the child. The child is a blank slate who looks to the parent as an idol that protects them from harm and teaches them about life. At an early age, the parent is a god who can do no wrong. The child follows the master, the imprint is created and is held in place by strong emotion. This is the basis for the Family Self.

As discussed in an earlier blog, the Natural Self is born out of the experiences of the individual rather than the parents. If the parent says something is right, and the person does not feel it is right, the emotional conflict pits the emotions of the Natural Self (joy, sadness, anger) against the emotions of the Family Self (fear, shame, guilt). The person must choose which path to follow, which set of emotions is the true expression of themselves. This choice is made even more confusing when all the emotions are experienced internally as belonging to the person and not seen as a reflection of the parental imprint. Separating those emotions to make different choices is the emotional work of the individual to believe in oneself.

Managing these competing reactions is extremely difficult in the face of family pressures. Due to the power of the bond, every interaction as an adult or child with one's family is significant. Each interaction serves to validate either the Family Self or the Natural Self. There is no such thing as a neutral reaction to the family. EVERY SINGLE CONTACT WITH ONE'S FAMILY MAKES US WEAKER OR STRONGER. Our spouses provide testimony to that power whether we see it or not. As a patient recently said to me, "I can't believe that my husband who runs a large corporation is so afraid of disappointing his mother, and he justifies it over and over again".

Helping your spouse to grow their Natural Self and believe in the significance of what they see or feel is vital to the health of a marriage. It is the basis for learning and growth of each partner. Supporting the Natural Self and helping to disable the Family Self promotes the well-being of each spouse. Of course, this process requires that both partners invest the time and energy to understand the difference between the two sets of reactions. In many cases, this awareness is limited and the two sets of reactions are fused together. For example, a person may feel guilty and believe that they have done something wrong because they feel guilty. They actually may have done nothing wrong other than to violate one of the rules that governed the family system. They can't tell the difference between feeling an emotion and believing what we feel. Processing life experiences together helps to illuminate the patterns and increase awareness of the differences between those reactions. This work of defining the two selves and the emotions that are attached is the most important task to maintain the emotional health of a marriage.